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We can take it on faith that not all dogs are perfectly well-behaved, and we know that some dogs need significant training in order to be good canine citizens.
Some dogs can be pretty horrible. In fact, I have a friend who used to refer to her German Shepherd as “The Antichrist,” since it seemed that there was no reward good enough, and no punishment severe enough, to result in good behavior on the part of the dog.
Was he really the Antichrist, though?
I doubt it.
And by the way, in the case of demonic possession, you don’t call Ghostbusters; you call an exorcist.
Notice how nicely I segue into the topic of demonic possession in dogs!
Sometimes I get really crazy, and really bored, and I end up looking at stuff that just sounds totally demented. Like an article from the Weekly World News about demonic possession in dogs.
For those of you who aren’t familiar with the publication, the Weekly World News was a tabloid newspaper that launched in 1979, and occupied supermarket racks until 2007. The print version has since gone by the wayside, but the Weekly World News is still a presence online.
The paper was probably best known for its stories about Bigfoot, aliens, and the ubiquitous Batboy.
Batboy, at one time or another, was believed to have been captured, dead, have faked his death, faked his death along with Elvis, discovered Santa Claus, dated J-Lo, become a Republican, converted to Judaism, worked with the government under highest secrecy, joined a band, fathered bat-children, and more.
So, given that this is the reputable newspaper that gave us all this valuable information, why wouldn’t we believe that they would be a credible source when it comes to demonic possession of dogs?
Father Brett Rollins is represented by the Weekly World News as being an expert out of Charlotte, South Carolina. Apparently he knows a lot about the indications of demonic possession in dogs.
The thing is, though, I can’t seem to find anything online about a Father Brett Rollins in South Carolina, or anywhere else for that matter, who is an expert in demonic possession when it comes to dogs. Zip, zero, nada.
Gee, you don’t suppose the Weekly World News just made him up, do you?
Well, let’s give them the benefit of the doubt, and move on.
Consider these frightening warnings.
Father Brett Rollins (if that is his real name) tells us that our poor, innocent dogs are not as strong as we are, and therefore, they can’t fight off evil spirits. That makes them “an easy target for Lucifer’s minions.” He goes on to tell us that dogs that are possessed might first just demonstrate odd behavior, but that they will ultimately “always turn on their owners.” When you read in the newspaper that a dog has killed his master, it is “almost always a case of demonic possession.”
So, there are no bad dogs, only possessed dogs. And dogs that aren’t able to fight off bad spirits. Okeydokey.
Some Breeds are More Prone to Demonic Possession Than Others
Father Rollins (LOL!) also tells us that some breeds are more likely than others to be led to the dark side. They include (go figger!) Rottweilers, Dobermans, German Shepherds and Pit Bull types. “Father Rollins” says that this is because centuries of breeding for aggression have led these dogs to be very vulnerable to demonic influences.
Father Rollins is obviously very worried about dogs that show signs of demonic possession. He says that you might have a “devil dog” if certain conditions are present.
Here they are.
Well, Janice and Leroy do, because I taught them to! When evangelical Christians come around my place, I tell them that of course I have time to talk about the Bible, but Janice and Leroy might not like it all that much. Are they possessed? I doubt it. I think it’s more likely that they have an owner (me) who doesn’t want to be bothered.
According to Father Rollins [snicker] if your dog pees on a headstone, he’s probably possessed. Yup, couldn’t just be marking, could he? No, he’s desecrating the dead, and that means he’s possessed!
Well according to this supposed Father Rollins, that means your dog is possessed. From my perspective, it means that dogs don’t like having things shoved in their faces, and probably aren’t crazy about things that they perceive as aggression. But what do I know?
Apparently, according to this so-called, non-existent priest, if your dog turns his head to one side and seems to be listening, he’s getting instructions from Satan, his master.
Hahahahahahaaaaaa! This is just beyond funny!
I would assume that this would mean “as opposed to guilty children.” In other words, children that are pulling the dog’s ears and otherwise abusing him.
Look, this stuff is so funny, I don’t even know where to begin. Demonically possessed dogs?
Father Rollins (yeah, right, like he even exists) apparently suggests that we don’t despair, but we should consult a member of the clergy right away. An exorcism, he says, can rid your dog of Satanic influences.
Or, here’s an idea. If you think your dog is so badly behaved that he might be the Antichrist, consult a trainer or an animal behaviorist.
I read this stuff, and I laughed like crazy! An exorcism for your dog? Dogs that are possessed because they piss on gravestones? Dogs that react badly to obnoxious kids? They’re all possessed?
Oh, and made-up priests? Well, I don’t even really know where to go with that other than to say that it’s beyond hilarious!
Well, it was all good for a laugh, though, right? I might never stop giggling, and I hope that you’ve found this as funny as I did!