How can you tell if a person is demonically possessed, or just an asshole? How do you tell if you have demonic dogs, or just an entire pack of assholes?
I didn’t know the answer to this, so I started noodling around on the internet, and you’d be amazed at what I discovered! I found lots of information on demonic possession, and even one source that suggest s that there can be demonic dogs!
What Does the Church Say?
I think that any time you’re going to talk about demonic possession, you have to start with the Catholic Church. In Rome, Italy (which is pretty much Catholic central, and they should know from possession), the renowned exorcist Father Cipriano de Meohas stated that most of the time, people who are suspected of having fallen prey to demonic possession aren’t actually possessed – they’re mentally ill.
Father de Meo says that you need to know the difference, and you do that as an exorcist by praying and assessing the supposedly possessed person’s reaction to that prayer. Father de Meo postulates that mentally ill people will not usually respond to prayer, no matter how vigorous. However, if the exorcist prays for a prolonged time, and then gets a reaction, that means that the demon is ready to fight.
Father de Meo also suggests that we’re wrong if we think it’s like in the movie, “The Exorcist.” He states that not all possessed people will react in the same way. That’s why exorcists have to be really in tune with God, to know what’s real and what’s not.
However, there are a couple of things that do fall in line with the movie. Father de Meo goes on to say that possessed people may display horrible facial expressions, and blaspheme.
He continues to emphasize, though, that it’s important to know the difference between mental illness and demonic activity. You have to know, he suggests, when you are really dealing with the devil. That’s where the movie based on William Peter Blatty’s novel, “The Exorcist,” got it right. Father Damien Karras was an exorcist, not just a garden-variety priest. There is a difference – you need to go through a lot of training if you’re going to be an exorcist.
Father de Meo also says that if you screw up, and you mistake a mentally ill person for one who is possessed, or vice versa, “The consequences are always disastrous.”
He also tells us that the Church wants you to be faithful and pray. If you do that, he suggests, your family will be safe from demonic possession. More on this thought in a bit.
Okay, That’s My Human Family – What About My Demonic Dogs?
Well, here’s the thing. Some dogs can be pretty horrible. In fact, I have a friend who used to refer to her German Shepherd, Sophie, as “The Antichrist,” since it seemed that there was no reward good enough, and no punishment severe enough, to result in good behavior on the part of the dog.
Was she really the Antichrist, though? Was this one of those “demonic dogs” cases?
I doubt it. Sophie probably needed an animal behaviorist, not an exorcist.
And by the way, in the case of demonic dogs, you don’t call Ghostbusters; you call an exorcist. Like Father de Meo, or another guy I’m going to tell you about in a minute.
Notice how nicely I segue into the topic of demonic dogs?
Do You Have a Demonic Dog?
Sometimes I get really crazy, and really bored, and I end up sitting at the computer, looking at stuff that just sounds totally demented. Like an article from the Weekly World News about demonic dogs.
For those of you who aren’t familiar with the publication, the Weekly World News was a tabloid newspaper that launched in 1979, and occupied supermarket racks until 2007. It wasn’t exactly on the same level of credibility as the National Enquirer (which, after all, busted OJ for wearing those “ugly-ass” Bruno Magli shoes that he said he’d never own), but it did sell a lot of papers. The print version has since gone by the wayside, but the Weekly World News is still a presence online, and represents itself as “the world’s only reliable news,” LOL!
The paper was probably best known for its stories about Bigfoot, aliens, and the ubiquitous Batboy.
Batboy, at one time or another, was believed to have been captured, dead, have faked his death, faked his death along with Elvis, discovered Santa Claus, dated J-Lo, become a Republican, converted to Judaism, worked with the government under highest secrecy, joined a band, fathered bat-children, and more.
So, given that this is the paper that gives us “the world’s only reliable news,” why wouldn’t we believe that they would be a credible source when it comes to demonic dogs?
Well, remember how I told you that the Catholic Church, via Father Cipriano de Meo, tells us that if you pray and are faithful, you (and presumably, your dogs) will not be vulnerable to demonic possession? There’s someone who has another take on that. Let me introduce you to Father Brett Rollins.
Father Brett Rollins
Father Brett Rollins is represented by the Weekly World News as being an expert out of Charlotte, South Carolina. Apparently he knows a lot about demonic dogs.
The thing is, though, I can’t seem to find anything online about a Father Brett Rollins in South Carolina, or anywhere else for that matter, who is an expert in demonic possession when it comes to dogs, humans, toasters, bottles of Aspirin, rocks, Pez dispensers, Air Jordans, guacamole, or anything else, for that matter. Zip, zero, zilch, nada. It looks to me like Father Brett Rollins doesn’t even exist! Gee, you don’t suppose the Weekly World News just made him up, do you?
Well, let’s give them the benefit of the doubt, and move on.
Consider these frightening warnings, and beware Lucifer!
Father Brett Rollins (if that is his real name) tells us that our poor, innocent dogs are not as strong as we are, and therefore, they can’t fight off evil spirits. That makes them “an easy target for Lucifer’s minions.” He goes on to tell us that dogs that are possessed might first just demonstrate odd behavior, but that they will ultimately “always turn on their owners.” When you read in the newspaper that a dog has killed his master, it is “almost always a case of demonic possession.”
Okay. I don’t know of any dog, ever, anywhere, that hasn’t exhibited odd behavior in one way or another. But I’ll defer to Father Brett Rollins on this. After all, he’s the expert, right?
There are no bad dogs, only demonic dogs that aren’t able to fight off bad spirits. Okeydokey.
But… but… but…
(As Principal Skinner once said to Bart Simpson, “Stop the gratuitous use of the word “butt!”)
But… Father de Meo tells us that we’re prone to demonic possession if we’re not faithful and we don’t pray enough.
Do dogs believe in God? Do dogs pray?
I’m not sure, but I can tell you that I’ve never seen Janice and Leroy do anything that looks “prayerful.” Are they at risk for demonic possession?
Some Breeds are More Prone to Demonic Possession Than Others
Praise the Lord, it would seem that Janice and Leroy aren’t all that much at risk. Because Father Rollins (LOL!) informs us that some breeds are more likely than others to be led to the dark side. Boxers aren’t on his list, but as to breeds that can become demonic dogs, he knows exactly which ones we have to worry about. They include (go figger!) Rottweilers, Dobermans, German Shepherds and Pit Bull types. In other words, those dogs that are portrayed in cartoons and movies as being inherently evil. “Father Rollins” says that this is because centuries of breeding for aggression have led these dogs to be very vulnerable to demonic influences.
So there are no breeds have been raised by criminals and abused to the point where they’re aggressive. They’re not victims of horrible humans’ they’re demonic dogs. They’re possessed!
OMG, my that Rottweiler next door, the one that’s owned by our neighborhood drug dealer, hasn’t been beaten and abused; he’sjustone of those demonic dogs, possessed by Satan or one of Satan’s minions!
Pardon me while I barf a lung up laughing!
Dogs That Have Signs of Demonic Possession
Father Rollins is obviously very worried about dogs that show signs of demonic possession. As any sensible person would be! You definitely don’t want demonic dogs in your household – you think you have trouble with dogs stealing socks and chewing up your furniture? Be thankful they’re not trying to steal your soul!
Now, how do you know if you have one of those demonic dogs? Well, Father Rollins says that you might have one of those “demonic dogs” if certain conditions are present. And you bet your ass that you’d better be very in tune as to things that might indicate that you have a demonic dog!
1. Does Your Dog Bark or Growl at Ministers?
Well, Janice and Leroy do, because I taught them to! When evangelical Christians come around my place, I tell them that of course I have time to talk about the Bible, but Janice and Leroy might not like it all that much. Are they possessed? I doubt it. I think it’s more likely that they have an owner (me) who doesn’t want to be bothered.
For that matter, Janice and Leroy bark and growl at just about ANYONE they find annoying, or that I find annoying. Damn evil possessed Boxers!
2. Does Your Dog Pee on Gravestones?
According to Father Rollins [snicker] if your dog pees on a headstone, he’s probably possessed. Yup, couldn’t just be marking, could he? No, he’s desecrating the dead, and that means he’s possessed!
Look, male dogs mark on everything, including gravestones. It doesn’t mean they’re possessed – it means they’re MALE DOGS! And if you walk your male dog through a graveyard, chances are pretty good that at some point, he’s going to lift his leg on a gravestone. Or on “Father Brett Rollins,” if he happens to be standing close to the aforementioned gravestone.
3. When You Hold a Bible or Crucifix in Your Dog’s’ Face, Does He Turn Away?
Well according to this supposed “Father Rollins,” if you hold a crucifix or a Bible close to your dog’s face, that means your dog is possessed. From my perspective, it means that dogs don’t like having things shoved in their faces, and probably aren’t crazy about things that they perceive as aggression. I’d imagine that if you shoved a slipper, or a donut, or a piece of firewood, or a fidget spinner, in your dog’s face, he wouldn’t be overly impressed. But what do I know? I’m not an “expert out of South Carolina.”
4. Does Your Dog Look Like He’s Hearing Voices?
Apparently, according to this so-called – and probably non-existent – priest, if your dog turns his head to one side and seems to be listening, he’s getting instructions from Satan, his master.
Look at all those videos you’ve seen on Facebook, of dogs doing the cute “head turn.” Or better, don’t look, because those dogs are possessed! They’re demonic dogs! Don’t look. Lest you also become possessed!
Or… and think about this for a minute … maybe the doggo is cocking his head, and going, “OMG, I think my mom is possessed!”
Yup, Mom is possessed by Satan. Or dog is. Either way, I see no good outcome here.
5. Does Your Dog Try to Bite Innocent Children?
I would assume that this would mean “as opposed to guilty children.” In other words, children that are pulling the dog’s ears and otherwise abusing him. Guilty, rotten children. Who might also be possessed by demons!
Look, this stuff is so funny, I don’t even know where to begin. Demonically possessed dogs?
Father Rollins (yeah, right, like he even exists) apparently suggests that we don’t despair, but we should consult a member of the clergy right away. An exorcism, he says, can rid your dog of Satanic influences.
Now if he could only find a way to stop dogs from shitting on the floor when the weather is bad and they don’t want to take their potty breaks outside, life would be good!
So, these are the indications that you might have demonic dogs. Or maybe just asshole dogs, or badly trained dogs. You be the judge.
The Final Word
I read this stuff, and I laughed like crazy! An exorcism for your dog? Dogs that are possessed because they piss on gravestones? Dogs that react badly to obnoxious kids are demonic dogs? Any dog with a behavioral issue is possessed?
Okay, here’s an idea. If you think your dog is so badly behaved that he might be the Antichrist, consult a trainer or an animal behaviorist.
Oh, and made-up priests? Well, I don’t even really know where to go with that other than to say that it’s beyond hilarious!
Well, it was all good for a laugh, though, right? I might never stop giggling, and I hope that you’ve found this as funny as I did!
And if you do have a demonic dog, just be thankful it’s not a cat – cats are invariably the tools of Satan!