You can probably tell from past posts that I have a riotous, and sometimes slightly twisted, sense of humor. I think dogs also have a sense of humor – perhaps more refined in some dogs than in others, but it’s there. Charles Darwin thought so, too, pointing this out in his Ascent of Man in 1872:
Dogs show what may be fairly called a sense of humor, as distinct from mere play; if a bit of stick or other such object be thrown to one, he will often carry it away for a short distance; and then squatting down with it on the ground close before him, will wait until his master comes quite close to take it away. The dog will then seize it and rush away in triumph, repeating the same maneuver, and evidently enjoying the practical joke.”
Your dog has probably done something like this countless times. You can also see evidence of a sense of humor in dogs as they play with one another, stealing toys, or with one dog chasing another and the pursued dog suddenly turning direction and glancing back at the pursuer with what looks very much like a “gotcha” sort of smile. And sometimes when I’m playing with Janice, she’ll drop her toy at my feet, and grin at me, and wait until I almost have it before she grabs it and dances away. Leroy is not quite so obvious about what amuses him, but I suspect that’s because he has a more sophisticated sense of humor.
Anyway, to each his own. We’re all, human and canine alike, amused by different things. This time around, I thought it might be fun to assemble some dog jokes and funny stories, and perhaps offer a bit of commentary on them as well. I’ve gleaned these from various sources – some from the Internet, others from books, and several from friends who just love to share funny dog stories. Some of the 9 commandments for dogs I made up on my own, and others were given to me.
I’ve told dog stories before, particularly in Do Dogs Go to Heaven, but I want a more light-hearted approach this time. I hope you enjoy the following material.
Moses and Jesus
A burglar enters a darkened house in an upscale neighborhood. He has been “casing” the place for weeks, and is confident that no one is at home at this hour of the evening. He should be able to make a quick entry, and an equally fast exit, after divesting the homeowners of their valuables. He is creeping stealthily through the darkened foyer, with his flashlight beam lowered, through the kitchen and into the dining room, not wanting to turn on a light lest he alert the neighbors. Just as he is opening the sideboard’s silver drawer and preparing to toss the heirloom cutlery into his pillowcase, a voice says, “Jesus is watching you.”
Panicked, he turns, and moves his flashlight beam in the direction of the voice, but sees no one. He takes a few deep breaths to calm himself, and decides that the voice was just a figment of his imagination. He loads up the silver, and then turns his attention to the master bedroom, just down the hall. He has heard rumors that there is a safe concealed there, and he is an expert safe-cracker. Just as he feels the tumblers of the safe fall into place, and is about to add jewelry and money to his stash of loot, again he hears, “Jesus is watching you.”
Okay, this time he knows he’s not imagining things, so he turns around and shouts “Who are you, and where are you?”
The voice responds, “I’m Moses, and I’m in the dining room, and Jesus is watching you.”
The burglar strides down the darkened hallway, and no longer worrying about being discovered (since he figures he’s got bigger problems right about now), turns on the light. He sees a parrot in a cage. The parrot announces, “I’m Moses, and Jesus is watching you!”
“What kind of idiot,” asks the burglar, “calls a parrot Moses?”
The parrot responds, “The same kind of idiot who would call a Rottweiler Jesus.”
I got this one from Neila. She tells me that she’s heard it a thousand times, but laughs every time, not just because someone knows how much she loves her Rotts and assumes she would enjoy a Rottweiler joke, but because dammit, it’s funny! It just never gets old.
A Dog’s Letters to God
You’ve all heard about letters that children write to God. What if your dog could write to God? What would he want to know? Probably, he’d ask questions like these:
Dear God: How come humans smell flowers, and food, and perfume, and stuff like that, but they don’t smell one another’s butts?
Dear God: If a dog barks like an idiot in a forest, but there is no human there to hear him, is he still a bad dog?
Dear God: How come people name cars after animals like cougars, jaguars, colts, rabbits, mustangs and stingrays, but not after dogs? I think a Hyundai Shih-Tzu would be cool.
Dear God: When I get to Heaven, can I sleep on the couch, or is it just going to be more of the “same old, same old”?
Dear God: Are there letter carriers in Heaven? And do I have to say sorry?
Dear God: I used to have two small friends. Then my Mom took me to the vet. She said I had to be ‘neutered,” whatever that means. Will I see my two small friends when I get to Heaven?
I would never presume to suggest how God should respond to these questions. He’s on his own with this one.
A Dog’s Commandments
Now, let’s pretend again that dogs communicate with God. Presumably he expects a certain standard of behavior from them. So with that in mind, consider these commandments that God might deliver to dogs.
1. Though shalt not roll in offensive matter. In the poo, thou shalt not roll, nor rollest thou in the garbage. Roll not in the awful offal, nor in the septic overflow on thy master’s domain, nor in the corpses of unfortunate creatures who lay smote along the roadways. For if you do, you shall be deemed a bad dog.
2. Though shalt not eat of the food of the cat before the cat has partaken of it, nor shall though eat it after the cat has vomited it up. I have forbidden you the ingestion both rejected and processed cat food. Oh, and also the ingestion of the cat itself.
3. Useth not the sofa cushions as thou wouldst a towel provided by thy master, to soak up thy drool.
4. Playeth not tug-of-war with thy Mom’s underwear. If thou dost, thou art a bad dog. If thou dost play tug-of-war with thy Mom’s underwear when thy Mom is actually on the toilet, then thou art a terrible
5. Sticketh not your nose into the crotch of humans, lest they not appreciate this means of greeting.
6. Shakest thou the rain from thy fur before thou returnest into the home, not within.
7. Draggeth not thy butt upon the carpet.
8. Licketh not thy crotch in the presence of others; it is an abomination.
9. Treateth not the cat as a squeaky toy. It soundeth most pleasing, but doth displease thy master.
Okay, so it’s only 9 commandments, not 10. But they’re dogs. Cut them a break.
The Talking Dog
A man is driving around town, with no particular purpose in mind, when he sees a sign on a lawn, reading “For Sale: Talking Dog.” The man figures this sounds interesting, so he walks up to the house and rings the doorbell. The guy who answers the door tells him to come on in; the dog is out in the back yard.
Outside sits a beautiful Irish Setter. The man walks over to the dog, and sort of just trying to be funny, says “Hey, buddy, your human here tells me you can talk. That right, fella?”
Much to his surprise, the dog yawns, and then says, “Yeah. I figured out that I could understand and speak English when I was just six months old, and then I started thinking about my career goals. I decided I’d like to be able to help people – after all, that’s what us dogs do, right, care about humans? So anyway, I picked up the phone and called the CIA, told them what I could do, and pretty soon, the government was flying me all over the place, meeting with world leaders along with my human co-workers. Any time my humans left the room, you wouldn’t believe what these peoplewould talk about. I learned more high-level secrets than any dog has a right to know.
“But you know what? I got tired of it all. Thought it might be time to find a nice bitch and settle down, have a few puppies, chase a few balls – you get the idea. They didn’t want to let me go. Gave me medals, offered me huge bonuses, a lifetime supply of Milkbones…none of it really meant anything. I was tired. You think it’s easy working undercover? It’s not. You’ve got to be top of your game all the time, because one false move can sink the whole mission. The pressure was too great.They still try to call me up from time to time, but I always say no. Dorothy and the kids are my priority right now.”
Well, needless to say, the man is amazed. So he asks, “How much do you want for this remarkable dog?” The homeowner says “A hundred bucks.”
“A hundred dollars for this beautiful talking Irish setter?” the potential purchaser responds. “Why? He must be worth thousands, even millions!”
“He’s not worth much at all,” says the homeowner. “You know all that stuff he said he did? He made it up.”
I wonder if we would even want our dogs to talk. Janice and Leroy and I speak with our hearts. And if they’re making up stories, I don’t want to know!
To you, a leash is a means of controlling your dog. What is it to him, though? If dogs could write dictionaries, it might go something like this:
Leash: A six-foot strap that your human places on your collar so that you can effectively lead him or her to wherever you want to go.
Trash Can: A container full of treats that your human, and perhaps his or her neighbors, put out once a week as a special reward for you being the good dog that you are.
Deafness: A sporadic malady that affects dogs when humans ask them to do something that is obviously unreasonable. “Sit,” “Stay,” and “Quiet” are all words that can invoke deafness in dogs. The best cure for deafness in your dog is the use of the words “Walk” or “Treat.”
Bed: Wherever I choose to sleep. And maybe drool.
Overcrowded Bed: This means too many humans. Dad should go sleep on the couch.
Butt Sniffing: Giving another dog your business card and contact info.
Crotch Sniffing: Giving a human your business card and contact info. Sometimes not received with proper respect (see A Dog’s Commandments, above).
Indoor Trash Can: A toy box filled with wonderful things like crumpled up paper, candy wrappers, banana peels and other delights. Your human will leave this out for you as an offering to you, because you are a hairy little god. Always accept this offering – you don’t want to hurt your human’s feelings.
Bath: Humans feel very envious when you find something that smells great and you decide to roll in it. They wish that they could smell so good, but it’s not going to happen because they lack that unique mix of damp dog hair and other stuff. Humans are not generally spiteful, but in cases like this, their better nature is overcome by jealousy, and they may subject you to immersion in soap and water as a way of evening the score. Try not to feel resentful. They can’t help themselves.
Kids: Little, short humans. They’re just the right height for hugs and petting. You have to be careful with them, though – they could break. Little humans make good, life-long friends.
Snot: That material that comes out of your nose that you deposit on your human’s clothes immediately before an important occasion. You can’t tell them that they don’t look just right. After all, you don’t want to hurt their feelings. The snot deposit is your way of pointing out, kindly and politely, that something else would look better on them.
Love: The very best feeling in the world. You feel it every time you look at your human, and it makes you want to wag your tail and give kisses. A human who understands what you’re saying will pet you, cuddle you, and say love words, and there’s nothing better than that.
Oddly enough, there seem to be a lot of funny Dalmatian jokes and riddles out there, more so than funny stuff about other dog breeds. I have to say though (and maybe I do sound a bit cranky, but this bothers me), one thing that I don’t find funny is the way people misspell “Dalmatian.” It’s probably the second-most misspelled dog name, next to “German Shepherd.” So let’s put it to rest once and for all – it’s Dalmatian, not “Dalmation.”And it’sGerman Shepherd – as in a German dog that herds sheep, and is therefore a shepherd. It is not “German Sheppard.” Got it? Good? Now, moving right along, you Dalmatian lovers will get a kick out of these:
Q: What did the Dalmatian say after he finished his dinner?
A: That hit the spot!
Q: What is black and white and red all over?
A: An embarrassed Dalmatian.
Q: Why do Dalmatians always lose when they play hide and seek?
A: They’re invariably spotted.
Here are a few more fun, quick ones about other breeds.
Q: What kind of dog has the best sense of humor?
A: A Chi-ha-ha.
Q: What kind of dog responds best to commands?
A: A Sit Bull.
Q: What kind of dog lives in a cave?
A: A bat terrier.
Q: What is a Dog’s Favorite City?
A: New Yorkie.
I know, pretty silly, right? But fun. Come on, admit it, you smiled!
A Dog at School
A child enters his fourth-grade classroom at the beginning of a school year. His dog, who has followed him to school, also wants to come into the classroom, but the teacher shoos him out, telling him that he doesn’t belong in the class. The dog sits outside the classroom door, softly whimpering, staring, and wondering why he is not welcome. Eventually, the dog sees that he is not alone – God has come to stand beside him. God gently pats the dog’s head, and says, “You can stay here with me, my little friend. They won’t let me in that classroom either.”
This is one that I heard from a friend. I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not sure where I stand on this issue, but just the same, I thought I’d include it here. If nothing else, it provokes thought.
A little boy is practicing his violin. His father is trying to read peacefully in his den, but the horrible sounds just aren’t about to stop. The dog, who is lying at the father’s feet, finally leaps up and begins to howl. The father throws down his book in frustration, and shouts at his son, “Couldn’t you at least find a song that the dog doesn’t know?”
And Finally, My Favorite
A dog walks into a bar. Walks up to the bartender and asks, “Got any grapes?” The bartender says, “Dog, this is a bar. I don’t got no grapes. I got beer, whiskey and wine. Maybe some peanuts. No grapes.”
The dog nods, and leaves the bar. The next day, the dog comes back to the bar, approaches the bartender and says “Got any grapes?” The bartender says “Dog, I told you yesterday I don’t got grapes. Get outta my bar.”
On the third day, the same dog enters the bar. Goes up to the bartender, and asks “Got any grapes?” The bartender, by this time beyond irritated, says, “Dog, I keep tellin’ ya, I don’t got no grapes, and if you come into my bar again askin’ for grapes, I’m gonna nail your paws to the bar.”
Day four. Dog comes into the bar. Walks up to the bartender. Asks, “Got any nails?” Bartender says “This is a bar, not a hardware store, of course I don’t got no nails!”
Dog says, “Got any grapes?”
Would this joke have been funny if it had been a human walking into a bar and asking the same questions? I’m thinking not. There’s just something about dogs, in all their incarnations, that make us smile, particularly if we’re assigning them human-like characteristics. I laugh at Janice and Leroy all the time, my funny, furry friends. And I strongly suspect that they’re laughing at me from time to time as well.
Dogs speak to so many of our emotions. Love, first and foremost. But also to laughter and humor. Who hasn’t looked at the smiling face of their dog, and thought “He’s having a blast and laughing his way through life?” We can learn a lot from dogs. Just about everything is funny if you put it in the right perspective. And joy is everywhere you find it – in a squeaky toy, in a hug or cuddle, in a night spent snuggled up against the cold winter…of course I don’t have to tell you that. You’re a dog person. You get it.